Testosterone, Viagra, & Whatever Comes Next I used to feel pretty secure in my masculinity. Wait...scratch that. I was very secure in my masculinity. Today, though, I'm not sure I'm quite the man I could be. With another doping scandal in the headlines, I ask myself, Why can't I start doping?
If testosterone makes you charge up an Alp or hit 73 home runs, just think what I could do with it. Yell at the kids louder. Push a grocery cart faster. Anything!
All I'm saying is some of this stuff sounds fun. I see now where Floyd Landis is claiming he has elevated levels of testosterone to begin with. Yeah, don't we all Floyd. When the wife shuts you out for a month, most of us could fly up a mountain too.
Floyd couldn't really go with the athlete's favorite, "I don't know how that got in there. It's probably somebody's from my posse" defense. It's urine. Even a posse can't help. Maybe he got crossed up and had a testicle sandwich. I can't read a French menu either.
Of course, like Viagra before, the wife has barred me from taking any testosterone. She momentarily reconsidered when I pointed out that by needlessly ingesting Viagra or testosterone, or better yet Viagra and testosterone, I might accelerate my own mortality. She quickly deduced that even if I were to live for only a few hours, those hours would be a living hell for her.
So, Merck? Pfizer? Don't spend another dime on my account. Shutter all the labs dedicated to middle age ennui.
And, Floyd? Barry? Want me to hold anything for you? C'mon, help a brother out. Consider me posse.  ¶ 11:11 AM