Tis the Season
With the return of the college basketball tournament it's also time for the return of the idiot masquerading as a casual fan. The idiot manifests himself in two distinguishable forms. They are:
1) The "Are You Ready" Guy
As in, "Are you ready for the March Madness?". He immediately identifies himself as a dork by referring to the tournament as "March Madness". It doesn't much matter because you probably already knew he was a dork to begin with. They need to retire "March Madness" like they need to retire the cheesy "One Shining Moment" song, if for no other reason than to save the dorks from themselves .
Really, the "Are You Ready" guy is prevalent year around near any major event. For instance, are you ready for Christmas, to get married , for the rapture? It's nothing more than a rhetorical dork conversation starter.
Don't play. I will usually return the dork rhetorical question with a blank stare. Uncomfortable self reflection is good for dorks. If the dork, however, as wandered into the red zone of my intolerance, I will respond with, "Are you ready for me to punch you?"
Public service announcement for dorks: The correct topical question is "Have you done your bracket?"
2) The Guy Who's Watched Too Many Highlights And Wanders On To A Court
I still play a little. I shouldn't play. I'm a shadow of my shadow's shadow, but I still play. One of the reasons I still play is I enjoy the culture of the regular game.
When someone new comes to the game, one of two things happen. The language of the game is universal, and if a guy can play he is immediately integrated into the group.
If he can't play...well...he can't play or he won't want to for long. This is the time of year you can spot them getting out of their car. There's any number of ways to spot them. Here were two that came to my game this week
Wearing a Watch- Come on, if you need to keep track of time you don't need to be here. Not to mention it's like playing with a pair of brass knuckles on. It's a head wound waiting to happen.
Get off the court.
Suspect Garb- Not always a dead giveway as some people are quirky and ringers are known to come in disguise. You have to let them make a couple of trips up and down the court, and then you know. This week our suspect had on some fruity/wacky coconuts beach bar tank top and a pair of cross trainer/aerobics shoes that looked like something my wife would wear. He came with watch guy, but , again, you never know. Maybe he's the one that can play. 3rd trip down he took a shot that looked like a pose in an S&M catalog, and threw it over the backboard. Then he dribbled it off his cute little Reeboks. Then when he attacked him like sharks every time he touched the ball. Then he left and took Watch Guy with him.
Such is the Madness of March.
